Is my Sensei being unprofesional?? HELP!

Charlie_Shodan · White Belt

Hi all,

Im due to go for my 2nd dan in december, and I am 2 weeks away from opening my own karate class. But I have concerns regarding my sensei.
He set up a "private" e-mail address fo our use and told me to delete any recieved or sent messages as it looks dodgy, e-mailed me saying how good it was to see me (i train twice a week!) that our "relationship"is getting "hot", and that he missed me while in Spain, And that its ok 4 us to have secrets and to spice up our lives!!!
Let me say this. I have NEVER given him ANY suggestions that i am interested in him. I am a 24 yr old married woman with a baby, he is a 60 year old married man with family and highly respected in the industry. I have always respected him as my sensei.
I am now concidering leaving the club and not opening a class as he is making me feel very uncomfertable.
I have trained for so long to get to where I am. And have always wanted to set up a class

What should i do? Should i e-mail him back telling him to back off? or just leave it?

HELP!!

Thank you

Charlotte xx
THis is the e-mail he sent me this morning:
Hi Charlotte,

Good to see you again at heath. I am glad to know that our e-mail are "Private" to us only". Suggest that we both delete anything we send or received...... OK (just to be on the same side).

I think you must have known or have feelings in the situation lately...... Can you notice anything?

I better confess that this "Student and instructor" relationship is getting hot..... !!!!
Don't worry, I know where we stand, just getting to know you better outside karate and hope that we can be friend and have some laughters and fun together....... OK

I am aware of our situation, and nothing will have to change....... We are both married and have families, and sometime it is good to "spice-up" or introduce some excitement to our life....... We can both have a secret between us and no one need to know about this.....

My relationship in Karate with you will not change either way??? - What are your feeling and thoughts ??

Anyway, I will pick you up at 7.45pm outside the Chippy at Caeglas.... Or any place would prefer...

Missed you while I was in Spain, strange...... !!!!

Mike
xxxxxxx

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username8517 · Green Belt

Sounds clear to me that your instructor is trying to solicit you for an affair. Nothing but red flags all over his email.

Obviously you're a grown adult and free to make your own decisions, but I'm going to assume you're not interested in an affair (as that the connotation I get from your post).

That being said, your first mistake was setting up a private email account with the guy. That gave him a sign that you were indeed interested. Odds are you have probably done other things that were signs of interest to him, but you didn't give a second thought. This isn't to say that you did anything wrong, but sometimes people misconstrue things said and done.

And unfortunately, I believe the end result of this will probably involve you finding another place to train at.

I recommend that you immediately stop contact with your instructor through this secret email account. Don't delete any emails either, they can be used for validation of your stance should things get worse for you (him denying the alligations, accusing you of coming on to him, etc.). It wouldn't hurt to print off a copy of the email as well and store it in a safe place should you ever need it.

If you're not interested in risking your marraige and family over this guy you need to immediately let him know you're not interested. I would recommend doing this via email and bcc your husband and personal email accounts for record.

It probably wouldn't hurt to start looking at other training facility should your instructor try to "punish" you in any way for turning him down (being extra critical or holding back your scheduled testing for example).

Also, make sure that if you continue to train in his dojo you make sure you are never left in a situation where it's just the two of you - you'll want a witness for anything that is said.

Finally, inform your husband of the situation. Make him aware of the situation, but let him know you're handling it. Obviously you don't want him causing unneccessary trouble by intervening on your behalf, but you'll want and need his support should "it" ever hit the fans.

Charlie_Shodan · White Belt

Thank you for your reply.
Can i just say that i did not set up the private e-mails... he did! This was 4 days ago.... i had my concerns then.

I have told him i will no longer be training with him as he is making me feel uncomfertable.

It is realieving to know that you think the same... and that i am not being paranoid!
I have told my husband from the start.
I just gotta find a new club!

Thank you again.. that advice was good and reassuring
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A_Train · Blue Belt

I think you knew the answer to your questions before you posted it. Of course he is being extremely unprofessional. You should have known something was up as soon as he requested you to set up a private email for just conversing with him. What could he want that couldn't have been sent to your previous emial (which should be private enough).

Having said that however, it doesn't mean your Sensei is now some horrible person. I'm guessing (based on his age) that his he and his wife are no longer intimate, which probably has caused him to turn elsewhere. He convinced himself to make an obvious advance on you to see your reaction, perhaps dreaming that maybe you were in the same situation (he should have looked for someone much closer to his own age, but men will be men). You did set up a private emailwith him, so that gave him the green light to present what his intentions. now that you know them, I would suggest a firm 'No' should do the trick (I wouldnt suggest BCCing it to your hubby. Your husband should know, but your Sensei doesnt need to know, that your husband knows).
How he reacts to that 'No' is up in the air. He may just drop it, or he may hold a grudge against you. You have no way of knowing just yet, but there is no point tiptoeing around the matter. Let him know, and let him know clearly.

Charlie_Shodan · White Belt

Thank you for your reply. Again, he set up private e-mail, not me!
This was me reply to him:

Sensei,

I don't know what you are trying to say, but whatever it is, I am feeling very uncomfertable.
I have not noticed anything, especially any feelings.
I have always respected you as my sensei, but unfortunatly, the E-mail you sent me made me feel very uncomfertable, and the "Private" e-mails are also making me uncomfertable. I do not want any secrets, nor do i want to "spice things up".
I am afraid to say, that because of this I will no longer be training with you or starting a new class, which I was really looking forward to doing. I was also looking forward to taking my grading in december, but i cannot continue due to the position you've put me in.
I will call to cancel the class.

Thank you for teaching me all these years, I do appreciate it.

Regards

Charlotte

I will let you know what he says. Thank you for your time to reply xx
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NightOwl · Black Belt

I am going to echo a lot of the advice said above...firstly, DON'T delete the e-mails. If things turn out ugly later and he tries to gang up on you, you will need them for your defense. Secondly, i let him know right away that you have no interest whatsoever and that you wish to be left alone. Finally, let your husband know ASAP. I am hoping that you did this last step already, as the willingness to tell your spouse that you were approached AND are willing to tell them about it shows that you are fully trustworthy by letting them know, and thus canceling out any chance of a possible affair (no matter how unlikely it may be). Covering it up will make it bad when things come out, and if you don't tell him and he finds out on his own it will relationally do a lot of damage.

Also just in case--- if he further harasses you or tries to intimidate you for not accepting his offer, I would suggest looking at legal advice.
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bushido_man96 · KF Sensei

It sounds like you did the right thing, cutting ties with him. You can always find another place to train. You may want to notify police right away, that way they are aware of the situation in case your pursuer becomes aggressive right out of the box. You can never tell how people will react. This could be something that he does all of the time.
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Charlie_Shodan · White Belt

this was his reply to my e-mail....:

Charlotte,

I sincerely apologies for the situation. Please do not take it that hard maybe I miss judged the situation altogether (my mistake).

Having said that I will apologies again for the position I have put you in. Please do not act so harsh, I will forget all what I have happened and I can promise you that this will all be forgot.

Have a think about it and if you do want to carry on training and also start the class there is no reason why it will alter any situation. If you want to speak I will personally apologies to you and will make you feel comfortable again. (I really mean that)

I did say that it will not affect our karate. Have a think and let things cool down, you are most welcome to come back.

I am very sorry again for the misunderstanding. Promise it won't happen again. You have been a good student and it would be a shame to end like that. I am sure as adults we can talk this over and accept an apologies either way.

Sorry,

Now i really am confused as to what do!!!
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blackxpress · Yellow Belt

Wow. Just, wow.

Montana · Pre-Black Belt

My advice is to get out of that class, and stay out. Regardless of what he says, he's crossed the student/sensei line and will do it again if you went back.

No promotion is worth what he wants you to "pay" for it.
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