Trapped On a Bus

SaiFightsMS · KF VIP

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Friday

What's a boy to do when a girl harasses him and is violent?

He's 17 – 2 years older than she is. He does karate. He can't walk away, they're on a school bus. She gets on at an earlier stop, although she goes to a different school and there is no alternative bus. He changed seats – so did she. She has friends. So does he, but they suggest hitting her.

Sounds like one of those riddles.

He mostly ignores her - told her once that she was lucky he didn't hit her. She said she wanted him to. Sometimes the other people on the bus tell her not to be so immature and she quiets down a bit. Otherwise they all seem to ignore it. He asked her once what her problem was and she said "You". He never speaks to her first, has never touched her apart from yesterday.

It has been going on for months – typical boy – didn’t mention it until she hit him in the face (sucker punch) and he came home bruised and he wouldn't let me take it further but opted to continue to ignore her. Now he tells me she hit him several times "accidentally" when passing him and sometimes walked up and down the bus to do so. That was some months ago but she has become increasingly mouthy recently. Her latest trick was to spit chocolate in his hair yesterday. He wiped some off and wiped it on her face, at which point she moved back a seat and took to chewing and then throwing the chewed mouthfuls at him. It is the only time he has touched her.

He says he shuts out most of what she says, but some of it sticks. I think what is getting to him are the remarks. For example, about the birthmark on his face, an extensive cafe au lait mark over half of one cheek. She asks if the baby is crying when he looks away. It's easy to say "take no notice, she doesn't matter" but it is surprisingly hurtful to hear such meanness spoken aloud and no easier to ignore because you should, than it is for a depressive to "pull themselves together".

It would be a trivial incident for many people, but it looms as large as a great white shark in a paddling pool for a boy with little experience of even this petty spite and who doesn't want or look for trouble. What concerns me is his latest statement that "if she has a knife, anything goes". That shows how far under his skin she has got. He's 17 and visualizing places he should not go to.

I'd say he's a striking looking boy, different and witty and attractive, but then I'm his mother so I would, wouldn't I?

Trapped on a bus – what’s a boy to do?

Sunday

We had the talk yesterday (captive audience on his way to and from his Saturday morning music) and I finally persuaded him that to stop this we have to do something.

Funny how once you pry open the door and get past the idea that big boys can talk to their mothers and trust them not to embarrass them in public, he gets thinking more positively. Also, I convinced him that preparation is the key. He will carry on as normal but will document everything she says and does and get his friends to witness each incident. When we have enough evidence, he (or we if he likes) will go to his headmaster for advice and assistance in preparing a case to take to her headmaster. (Pre-emptive again – find out what a headmaster needs to know before putting her on the alert or offensive.) And having a go-between can be a useful buffer. If the heads can't square it, we can go to the police. But I'm sure neither will want the boys in blue on the premises.

I've explained to the boy how he has to prove he is not the bad guy (no it's not fair but pre-empts her arguments) and how the atmosphere of the bus will look different on paper. The past won't count unless documented and witnesses have a habit of melting away when confronted by an enquiry – unless they are on the other side and unless you catch them on paper bit by bit. Had thought of a "wire" but I know from phone calls that the background noise is likely to ruin recordings of conversation. He will ask her politely to desist if she does anything and why she is doing whatever it is.

As a slight aside, I should explain that the school bus is an ordinary service bus designated for school use twice a day. The bus drivers appear to hate the kids.

I think he feels better now that he has a plan and a goal.

As to the motive of the female – pure speculation but I think she may have fancied him and is a woman scorned and bearing a grudge. He would not notice her if she didn't make this fuss. He isn't a troublemaker in school – he’s a swat – on course for top grades at "A" level, a prefect and a musician going through the "cool to wear black" phase. She only sees him on the school bus and he's the only one she chooses to pick on.

He's fully capable of decking her or breaking something and it's because he's running some "if…” scenarios through his head that we "can't be doing with things like that" any longer.

I've been looking, but I can find nothing about recording one's own public conversations here in the UK. However, we will produce a diary and test the water before producing tapes.

As part of ignoring her, he generally does not make eye contact. For now he is carrying on as normal, just listening harder.

Friday

Well, the best laid plans of mice and men…

The recorder button was on pause not record so we missed the throwing rice episode. And the throwing coins episode. But this evening – dramatic roll of drums – he went wireless today because he had no bag to hide the recorder in and – even more dramatic roll of drums:

She threw cake.

Chewed it and threw it. Hit another boy as well. Then squirted water. And threw more cake. And got a friend to join her. Another boy removed the water bottle as she advanced with it and she said she didn't need a water bottle and spat in L's (my son) face. He wiped it off. And did nothing. Then the boy sitting beside L got off at his stop. Girl sits beside him, although she knows L is about to get off and tries to stop him. He pushes past and girl and her friend grab his hair, hit him about the head. He removes their hands and walks away. Main girl's friend kicks him at base of spine as he walks away. He turns, looks and walks away. Complains to bus driver, in detail, as he gets off bus. Bus driver advises him to tell school and bus company.

L arrives home and I go silently ballistic. We go to bus company who – wow – seem pleased to have a firm, solid complaint. (I reminded them of the recent incident in which a boy was killed on a school bus that turned over because of horseplay!)

We go to police and L wishes (of his own accord) to make a formal complaint, not just informal report and says he is willing to go to court. Nearly two hours at cop shop followed by an hour in casualty having him formally checked.

Tonight, it turns out that one of his friends physically held the girl back when L was making his getaway. The police will visit before Monday and the bus company may refuse her transport.

For my part, I am so proud of my lad keeping his control and temper intact through these months of abuse. Trivial it seems, except to the one on the receiving end, the live performance of spite and aggression, but one day she might really hurt someone. I hope she has a lesson that changes her path.

But we'll walk softly and keep our eyes open. Here at home, as well.

I confess, I abused my position as instructor in class last night with a little sneaky “on the bus scenario" – not very physical but tossed them all outside the box for a few minutes.

My elder (completely different – you’d wonder how they could be brothers) son laughed when he heard, at the thought of his brother having a stalker. Probably right.

Some may have experienced the adrenalin rush of real live confrontation in life or death situations, more than once, maybe enough to be well acquainted with it. I have not. From my corner, having seen the cool cat unable to give his telephone number to the policeman, I can say it is the single most difficult thing to deal with, and something you cannot well simulate or practice coping with. It is almost another enemy, unless you can harness it as a friend.

Conclusion: The Second Shoe

Two weeks later.

No more trouble.

Bus company – zero points – lost report and fobbed me off. Well, they thought they did, anyway. They will pass down the river. In time. Education dept. – jury’s out – I’m waiting for them to contact me. Now I have the police report; I shall seek some clarification next week, for light relief.

Police – thumbs up – they took independent witness statement. Two full confessions. One girl has "final warning". Main offender now has formal reprimand that will remain on her record for 3 years. Further, in front of busload of passengers, she voluntarily asked politely to sit by my son, made apology and asked to shake his hand.

Policeman told me she could not give a reason for her behavior. Naive of me no doubt, but I hope she has seen the light. L has received support and admiration from everyone. He did the right thing for his situation and was rewarded. Had he turned on the girl, unless she was actually attacking him; he would have been in the wrong in the eyes of the law. Once she stopped or backed off, he had no reason to hit her. And if he had, all anyone would remember is that he did something and he would be to blame.

I'm proud of him for having self-control. It takes courage to put up with abuse when every fiber is screaming for revenge and retaliation that would be so easy to mete out. But that is not what martial arts are about. That is what the law is for.

Alicia

(This was a true story written by the mother of the boy involved.)

Patrick · KF Administrator

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foreveryoung001 · Purple Belt

Alicia,

Your son's story was gripping. I couldn't stop reading. He sounds like an amazing boy. I plan on showing this to my own son, who unlike yours, has a tremendous lack of self control, and is continually getting in trouble for lashing out at the kids who tease him. I can only hope that, in time, my son will gain the self control and apparent wisdom-beyond-his-years that your son has displayed. Thank you for sharing the story. I enjoyed reading it.

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Lesson: Practice until you don't have to think.

shanemm · Yellow Belt

wow...that's why everyone hates freshmen, cause they think they count for anything. i can't believe she actually did all of that, simply amazing how moronic some people are. Have you considered a restraining order? that way she can't take that same bus unless it's a really long bus :]
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gcav · Blue Belt

Hope everythng works out for you and L.
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delta1 · Black Belt

Sai, do you know this person? Sounds like she and her son handled it well.

I've had to handle similar situations with my boys and other boys. When the officials refused to act, I've told my sons that next time they are to make a beliver out of the attacker, and that I'd back them any way necessary. I told them this in front of the school officials and the kids parents, and the kids. Usually the attacks stoped after that, but there were a couple of times it came to blows.

Of course this was a tougher situation as the antoganist was a girl and the protagonist a boy. I think the only thing I'd do different would be to tell 'L' that, once she'd kicked him in the spine, he should do whatever was necessary to defend himself next time she assaults him, because at that point it is getting dangerouse for him. I'd also have told the bus company that if ever anything like this happened again and the driver did nothing, both him and the company would find themselves in court. Same with the schools, if they refused to act. I won't tell you what I'd say to the parents. Really, I think I'd have steped in a lot earlier. But this was a good learning experience for 'L', and I'm glad it worked out ok for him.
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SaiFightsMS · KF VIP

I know this person from a list we both post on. It was a true story that took a while to resolve. When she started posting about it I got interested and contacted her to see if she would write it up for an article for us. And when the problem was resolved she posted the final result for the group and sent me this article.

There are all too many real life situations were our young people are confronted with awkward situations and I thought seeing how one played out and resolved would be helpful.

I would like to thank Alicia for writing it up and her Son for having the patience wait it out and make a new friend instead of an enemy.

delta1 · Black Belt

longarm25 · Blue Belt

tough one
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kchenault · Black Belt

Very good article. My respect goes to "L" for his self-control and indomitable spirit in the situation. This one should be put into Black Belt magazine in my opinion.
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